"If There's a Soulmate for Everyone..."
I spoke to my stepfather on Sunday. It was his birthday. It had been over a month since we talk, which is not unusual. Da Man says that the strange thing about my family is that we can go for a long time without talking but act like we're in daily contact when we get together. That's especially true with my sister, where we start laughing about the stupidest things as soon as we see each other.

My stepfather was actually not in Texas but in California with his family for Thanksgiving, which is good. When my mother died, I felt bad for my sister and for me, but I was really terrified for my stepfather. His daily life had been destroyed. And he's a gregarious guy who needs people around.

That's another thing. My mother was (still feels odd to use the past tense) an incredible introvert. She'd be happy sitting at home with her crocheting and her crossword puzzles and the remote control and the dog. I clearly take after her. But my stepfather needs an audience. It was actually one of the ways they matched well and balanced each other. But since she died, I've been worried about him being at home alone. While down there for the funeral, you could tell that he was worried about it, too.

And another thing about my mother and stepfather is that they end up telling Da Man more personal things than they tell me. He'd end up mentioning offhand some story my mother told him, and it would end up being some detail about my father or my divorce that I never knew. In this conversation, my stepfather told Da Man that one of his sisters asked him if it was harder to lose his first wife or his second, my mother.

On one hand, that's a ridiculous question. He was married to each of them for about twenty years. His first wife had diabetes and ended losing both her legs and living in a wheelchair for the last years. But, apparently, my stepfather told his family that it was harder losing my mother.

He hasn't really dated since my mother's death in July, but he's "seen" a couple of "widow women." My mother used ot joke about all the widow women after him. One turned into a stalker, calling him at one in the morning to say how lonely she was. He's been seeing this other woman a tad more.

I admit, I felt a bit bugged when I heard he was going out like this. I wasn't hurt or upset but did feel that slight nudge in the stomach. I'm not proud of that. Like I said, he's an extrovert, so it makes sense that he seeks out company. He also told Da Man that he told this woman he had no intentions of marrying again. I felt better hearing that, but I also can see a time when he might feel differently, and I hope he doesn't deny himself when he does.

I've written before about the kind of guilt that follows me now and then when I think of Da Man and the life I've built with him after Blane's death. Silly, I know, but there now and then. Da Man calls me his soulmate, but he recognizes that I can't say the same to him. What would that make Blane?

This morning was the first time since August that I felt the loss of my mother strongly. Or maybe it's more accurate to say it's the first time I allowed myself to feel that loss more deeply than usual. No surprise, of course, with the holiday season here.

BBM says he reached a point years after his father died when he stopped feeling that sad but that I can't be there yet. I'm not sure I'll reach that point, and I'm not bothered by the idea that I won't.
- posted by Nels @ 9:09 PM | | | Link |