Add some fun to your life
When Bill Gates was a young lad he had
a pet crow. He tried teaching the bird to speak, introducing a new word each
day. To his disappointment his black friend would not utter a sound, until
finally one day the bird jumped up on his perch and blurted "Bill Gates, you
will be the richest man in the world some day!" Bill was totally astonished.
He needed to hear more, but the bird would not say another word. Bill
decided to seek professional help. He went to see a Gypsy tea reader. The
old lady looked into the tea leaves and exclaimed, "yes Bill Gates you will
be the richest man in the world if you do this one simple thing!" Bill could
hardly contain himself as he ran home. The next morning as Bill's mother
came down for breakfast she found Bill cooking something on the stove. "
What are you doing, young man?" she asked. "Well Mother, remember what
Blackie told me the other day?" "Yes Bill, but what are you cooking?"
"Well," said Bill, "I went to see the Gypsy tea reader and she confirmed
what the bird told me!" "Wow, that's great!" said his mother, "But what is
in the pot?" "Well, the gypsy lady told me that I needed to do one small
thing to get my wealth!" "Yes Bill but why are you cooking?" "Well.... She
told me I had to make MY CROW SOFT!!!!!!!!!"
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3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a
programmer. The systems analyst
is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have
failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the
emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the
curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess
the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a
look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a
specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
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Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him.
Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER
HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted.
Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him
nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant
Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated
that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and
then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so
they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE
HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
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My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano,
so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how
she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I
persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't
sing."
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second
said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said,
"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And
you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach
him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and
the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: Milton," she wrote one
son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to
clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to
know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious."
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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology
test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten
birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat
right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds'
legs and give the common name,
habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs.
They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all
night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he
thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and
said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between
birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the
professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The
class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student
reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy!
You guess!"
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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other
had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the
Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to
drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to
the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and
started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no
pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye
dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're
using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a
bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets
allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my
Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua
said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??
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Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's
the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a
hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his
mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at
something likes that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
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An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond
in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The
old man replied, "I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only
came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth
and skill every time!
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the
teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the
teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But
we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story
is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story
Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a
flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a
machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She
killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she
killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the
last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay
away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
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A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both
want a drink, but they have no money on them. The priest says, "I've got an
idea how to get us some free drinks." He walks in alone and the rabbi stands
at the door and watches. The priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then the
bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But my son, I've already paid
for the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, father, but it's
really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The rabbi walks in and
orders a drink. After he drinks it, the bartender gives him the tab, and the
rabbi says, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." The bartender says,
"I'm terribly sorry, rabbi, I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's
the second time that happened to me today." The rabbi says, "That's okay,
son, no offense taken. Now, just give me change for the twenty I gave you,
and I'll be on my way."
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A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving
west and the CB crackles to life." Hey Roadway driver who's the two biggest
poofs in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't
know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway
driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke -
tell it to the next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another
truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two
biggest poofs in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know who?"
The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother"
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men
asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological
techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for
me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He
thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his
face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and
thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that
clinic?"
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A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone.
He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most
expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to
the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She
says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne,
he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and
eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy
says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three
million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fu**
would I cut off four inches?"
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at
home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my
wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the
man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home .....
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank
to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.
He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the
bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He
cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum,
dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly'
fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV
while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling
potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh
vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and
although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he
was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without
complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said :-
"Lord, I don't know what I was
thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom,
replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months
though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"